My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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