just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
