All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
