his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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