The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
