I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
