forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
