I skipped work to stalk him.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
