Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
