I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
