he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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