Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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