I could have mohawked her pubes.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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