I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
