Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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