I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
