My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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