i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
