You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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