By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
