take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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