Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
