Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
