dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
