false alarm. still invincible.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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