If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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