Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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