considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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