I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
