You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Life is so much better after having sex.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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