Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
