I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
