Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I looked at my own cervix.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She needs sedatives and a leash
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
