I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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