if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
