Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
