Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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