I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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