Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
