I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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