if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
