I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
