9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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