The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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