i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
3pm strippers are depressing
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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