I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
