There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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