our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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