I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
