if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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