Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
