She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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