I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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